We know that most people don’t really seem to be chasing their dreams, right? I mean, most people I know are pretty content just going through the motions and following whatever the crowd says to follow. They go to school, get their special papers, and find work at a nine-to-five somewhere. Then, hopefully, they get married to a suitable mate, reproduce, and die. The End.
It’s not often I run into someone who is actively pursuing his or her dreams. And I think I may have figured out why…at least, partially why.
There’s this song I love by Florence + The Machine called “Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up).” In the chorus, there’s this line that never fails to stop me in my tracks: “This is a gift/It comes with a price.”
This is a gift.
It comes with a price.
What does that mean?
I’m afraid it means that if you chase what you really want, you have to give something up. Maybe something big. In my case, do you know what went on the altar? My relationship with my family, basically. Sure, I gave up the approval and acceptance of who-knows-how-many peers, but that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is the fact that I am (according to my wonderful mother) “divorced from the family.” She won’t answer my phone calls, and neither will my little sisters. I’m not welcome home and I’m not invited to family get-togethers. Obviously this sucks a lot and is really horrible, and no, things haven’t gotten better as I’ve gotten older. Every time I think of my family back home, I get this little bitter knot in the pit of my stomach.
On my bookshelf is a picture of my two little sisters. I had to put it away because it hurt too much to look at them.
I quit school and
defied my parents to chase my dreams, and my family is the sacrifice I put on
the chopping block. I didn’t mean to (exactly) and I don’t regret it (not yet),
but it’s a pretty horrible sacrifice to make. And the worst part is…what if it’s
not worth it? What if all this blood and pain is for nothing, and I just fail?
What if my wings melt long before I get anywhere near the sun?
It’s a fear that has been bothering me. I do my best to ignore it. “This is a gift. It comes with a price.”
If you're trying to make your dreams come true, what are you giving up? What price have you paid?
I paid the price (I think). I just hope I’m done paying it. What’s more, I hope it’s worth it in the end.
Jordan,
ReplyDeleteThis saddens me. First, let me say you are incredibly strong and courageous for sharing, even if you might feel weak as we all do at times. But I think think the thing that gets me most about your personal post is your belief that you are somehow responsible. Frankly, it takes a lot to sacrifice to achieve your dreams, your goals, your wishes, your desires (i mean look the amount of words that language has created to get to that central meaning).... but I think it is more a failure on your parent's part. By no means, do I advocate resentment or hatred. But I think your mother in particular fails to see that your "flaw" is in fact a strength and just a mere characteristic. Be yourself. I know it might be hardest when your own family negates, exiles, and rejects you. But there is nothing you can do. You can never control other people; we just live our lives to best of our ability. And as someone who has not been able to see my little sisters in over 7 years because I reported my father and stepmother for severe abuse. I have to say. It is painful. It hurts. It is like a festering wound. Eventually, it is will get easier to cope, not better, but easier. And your sisters will (hopefully) one day realize that your mother created a giant wedge between you two. And your mother will have to take responsibility, not you. Just keep being a good person. And don't forget your sisters. But use that two as a strength to help others. You have an incredible heart my friend. And I think you can accomplish most things given the circumstances... but know that sacrifice doesn't have to be negative... you didn't give up your family... rather your family never truly accepted the real you... and that is a shame... but with time things will be different. (Okay, I'm done ranting)
your friend,
Matthew
Matt, thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and leave such a heart-felt and reassuring message. Your situation sounds much worse than mine...I sure hope that I see my sisters again before seven years pass.
DeleteI get worried about the future and leaving the family behind (or accepting that they actually left me behind first) is really tough. But I'm going to be okay in the long run--especially if my old friends like you keep popping up to offer words of encouragement. I appreciate you and I hope that somehow I can offer you the same inspiration and kindess you have offered me. Thanks again and stay in touch.
dive for dreams
ReplyDeleteor a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
~ E. E. Cummings
God, I love e. e. cummings. Thank you for sharing.
Delete